Occasionally, as I walk through campus on my way to class, work, or a meeting, I notice people. People whose life choices I can’t help but question. So I have a few PSAs, collected here in force and therefore probably sounding a bit snarkier than they would individually:
To the guy sauntering along a few feet in front of me with his earbuds in, staring at his phone:
If I can hear the backup harmonies of the heavy metal song you’re blasting from your iPhone, you’re probably going to have serious hearing problems by the time you’re 30. Also, this song I don’t even know is now going to repeat a single line in my head for the rest of the afternoon. So thanks for that.
Moral: Turn down your music. Unless you’re already suffering from hearing loss. In which case I might have some ideas about why that is.
To the girl wearing a backpack over a short skirt:
You’re going to flash someone. It’s just going to happen. Backpacks pull skirts up as you walk. That’s what they do. At least you’re not wearing a two-layered skirt, where the opaque underskirt might get bunched up under the backpack and you walk along, oblivious, because you feel the transparent overlayer against your legs so you think you’re still decently clothed.
Moral: Proceed with caution when mixing and matching skirts and backpacks. For everyone’s sake.
To the people staring at their phones as they walk down the mall:
There’s a lamppost ri- never mind, you hit it. Good job. Now avoid the bench. And please don’t clip me with your shoulder and then throw me an irritated look because I couldn’t get out of the way fast enough. Just because I’m the only one of us paying attention, I do not have the responsibility to clear a path for Your Royal Highnesses so you can continue watching your friends’ drunk Snapchats uninterrupted.
Moral: Eyes on the road, buddy.
To the people walking at a snail’s pace, four abreast, along the main campus thoroughfare:
You’re in everyone’s way. So don’t look shocked when a bicyclist cuts between you and your friends, or when I push through as politely as possible to avoid being late to class. There is no need for you to leave nearly two feet of space between you so you’re strung out across the whole path.
Moral: You’re clearly friends. Get friendlier, walk closer together, and let the rest of us get to class on time.
And finally, to the guys still insisting on wearing their pants well below their buttocks:
Stop. Just…stop. You do not look cool. You do not have swagger. You look like a small child waddling around with his pants around his ankles in the process of being potty-trained. I would say you look like a penguin, but penguins are at least spiffily dressed.
Moral: I don’t want to know what color underwear you’re wearing today. Keep it to yourself.
The Grammar Changeling 