Decision

the act of or need for making up one’s mind
something that is decided; resolution
the quality of being decided; firmness
I make lists.  I run a pencil down the edge of a ruler and divide my cardstock into two columns, one Pro, one Con.  I begin jotting, neatly at first, then scribbling as it becomes a stream of consciousness, leaping from one side to the other like a Highland sword dance.
I ask advice.  I gather opinions like berries, examining each one for ripeness, letting them dye my fingers and adding my stained fingerprints to the already constructed lists.
I consider myself, my own head and heart.  I still have trouble with this one – for a long time, emotions had very little to do with my major choices, unless it was to tip a balanced scale at the last minute.  Choosing a high school came down to academic reputation.  Picking my college came down to finances.  Making a decision based on feelings didn’t seem “smart,” and I was all about making the “smart” choice.
Which is probably why I was so stuck.  Why I couldn’t articulate to my friends, my family, even to myself what I wanted.  Why my heart still beats a little faster when I say it out loud, much less type it out.
I’ve decided to stay in my college town for the next year after graduation.  I can keep my apartment and my job, both of which I love.  I can be near the Engineer while he finishes up his last year of undergrad (switching majors sophomore year throws things a little out of whack).  And I can work on my own writing so the next time I pitch a manuscript to someone and they want to read it, I’ll actually have something to send them.
And I’m pretty excited about all that.
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2 thoughts on “Decision

  1. leatherneck6693 December 15, 2015 / 3:22 pm

    On decisions:

    1. Failure to decide constitutes a decision.
    2. You can always make a list re: Colonel Cathcart in Catch 22 (black eyes v feathers in your cap.).
    3. No one who doesn’t have an investment in the results of your decisions gets a vote.
    4. If you can’t make a decision like this at a point in your life when you have no obligations except to yourself when could you possibly make it? I never heard a single person who had taken a sabbatical from the race to achieve and succeed regret they had done so.
    5. All the people who love you (us included) will just put their arms around you and support you.

    • Grammar Changeling December 15, 2015 / 3:28 pm

      Thank you Mr. Cathcart. I do appreciate all the support I’ve gotten so far. Hopefully this coming year will go well!

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